My Voices, My Views, My Emotions

Our Life Plan: Allah is the Best Planner

2011-05-23T19:33:00.003-04:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). Alhamdulillah (All praise be to Allah) for His endless mercy that He bestows upon me so that I can still enjoy every passing breath that I take. Normally, we always take for granted some of the things that seem so small but actually very important for us. Many of us often spend time everyday complaining over some tiny bumps we have in everyday life. Yet we, most of the time, forget to be grateful with what we already have right before our eyes. That’s what happened to me.

Lately, I have been experiencing a lot of life challenges (especially at school and lab). Things didn’t work out the exact way I wanted. Of course as a human being, complaints sometimes came out from my mouth and disillusionment shadowed my judgment. Then all other silly thoughts started to creep in my mind. Obviously I was defeated by those evil tricks and they got the better of me.

As time went by, I started to realize that all these events happened for a reason. Allah has been trying to teach me lessons of life in a mysterious way. He lets me experience hardships for me to learn comforts. He lets me experience sadness for me to learn happiness. He lets me experience poverty for me to learn affluence. He lets me experience loneliness for me to learn friendship. And he lets me experience hatred for me to learn love. All these humanly feelings are like dots in my life. I cannot understand them if I want to see them forward (look into the future). Yet they make all the sense in the world if I see them backward (walk down the memory lane). Everything just falls into its right place. That’s how I learn the lessons.

As the chosen creatures created by Allah, we must believe that everything that we own, experience and get will have significant effects later down the road. Allah has already planned everything for us. We just need to have faith in Him. The best thing to do is to supplicate invocations to Him, asking for help and guidance. Remember when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. By doing so, we can change something that used to be sour (in life) to something that can quench thirst on a hot day (in your difficult times). Lastly, we plan and Allah also plans; And He is the Best Planner.

"It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness." - Eleanor Roosevelt

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Spreading Peace: Not Everything is a Competition.

2011-05-13T17:38:00.002-04:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). Alhamdulillah (All praise be to Allah) for this free time and useful energy that are bestowed upon me. I hope I can take this chance to write a piece of my thoughts. Most of the time in life, we have to make some tough choices and painful sacrifices to make sure people around us not hurt and sometimes safe from dangers caused from external forces and occasionally themselves.

In life, there will be a situation when people try to put themselves in a bad position and we are the only ones that know how to help them. To make the situation worse, those people don’t let us help them and insist to be in that difficult position which in no time turns into a nightmare. The situation may be a lot harder when those people are people who we care for dearly. This kind of dilemma is not strange to people who deal with broken families and damaged friendship.

When two parties are quarreling, we should ask help from Allah and then look for a third party to mitigate the problem. We have to pray invocations to Allah asking for His help and guidance. The third party should take action and jump into the situation discretely using his/her wisdom. Trying to agree on a side is not going to help making the situation better. What a third party should do is intelligently suggest that both parties are looking for a common ground that is too far to see from the current position. Controlling and conquering the flaming anger is actually learnable art. The third party also must find words that include both parties of interest and at the same time confirming that they are on the right track to reach the ultimate goal that they may perceive different yet identical in the end.

By abolishing the anger, the establishment of rationale and agreements cannot be much nearer than that. The third party may propose a series of sound and convincing solutions to the raised problem. This probably takes leadership and a set of skills. Giving the disputing parties just a rigid solution may not be a good idea since they may think they are cornered and betrayed. By giving multiple solutions which in the end result in same outcomes provide them more room to breathe. Complimenting the parties several times along the way in the discussion-making process makes them feel heard and important.

I hope we can take more active roles in our society in order to spread great Islamic values in humans’ heart. May Allah grant us wisdom and wiseness in our lives to do so. Insyaallah (With Allah’s will)

"Indeed the faithful are brothers (to each other). Therefore make peace between your brothers and be wary of Allah (SWT), so that you may receive His mercy."

(Al Quran: Al-Hujurat – The Rooms ||49:10)

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Life is a Moving Target: Storms in a Coffee Cup.

2011-02-11T00:30:00.001-05:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). Subahanallah (Glory be to Allah). As I look through one of the library windows, I can’t describe how magnificent creations of Allah are- the evening sun is setting, the clouds are floating in the sky, the red and white rays of light are perfectly blending and most of all, the heart in my body is still beating strong. Alhamdulillah (All praise be to Allah).

In the hustles and bustles of life, we humans always forget to realize other great things that Allah bestows on us and we tend to focus on the bad things and unfortunate events that are happening in our own lives. As we cruise through our lives, we learn many new things- some are pleasant and some are not. That’s life. Ever-changing challenges keep raining on us. They can make us or break us. Life lets us choose who we want to be. That’s why we better consider life as a moving target and not a stationary one. Don’t ridiculously stick to a stationary goal without considering to amend it. Learn to adapt with current situations and events that you are right into.

When time gets rough, I always try to imagine problems that I experience as storms in a coffee cup. No matter how big they are, the biggest and scariest storms they can be just as big as my coffee cup. Yet we cannot deny that life often try to swallow us whole. If you feel your storms are too big for your coffee cup, find “real” friends to talk about them and let them out. Don’t bottle up till you may go haywire one day. Among all the best friends that you have, always believe Allah is the best One. Seek His guidance and help. After all, Allah is the Most Powerful and Omniscient. The best way to supplicate to Allah is through invocations (du’a). Below I list a couple of invocations that are good to be practiced by us again evil forces out there.

Invocation against an enemy

What to say if you fear people may harm you

May Allah protect us from any evil intentions and deeds of humans.

Insyaallah (With Allah’s will).

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p/s: The invocations were quoted from a book entitled

Fortress of the Muslim by Said bin Wahf Al-Qahtani

and published by Darussalam

Spring Semester 2011: A New Beginning…

2011-01-25T01:46:00.001-05:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). Alhamdulillah (All Praises be to Allah) I just started my spring semester. As usual, everything moves slowly in the beginning of the semester since there aren’t many things to do and deadlines pushing. So my adrenaline is kind of extremely low. Spending my time in the library at 1 am in morning seems to be the weirdest thing ever in the world right now since the mid-terms and exams are still light-years away. I guess this is the life of a doctoral student, devoting life for the sake of knowledge. Many know that a life of a PhD student is so unilateral and has no volume at all. Everything is predictable and normal. No hot news, whatsoever.

Even though many people devote their lives for the sake of knowledge and human development, they tend to forget about what they really are fighting for in life and why they are doing this and that. A big portion of us fail to answer the most fundamental question, “What makes us wants to devote our lives to this seemingly boring lifestyle?” Why don’t we take a couple of minutes to honestly think about this matter. Yeah… The answer is easy, it is our passion and we do it because we love it. We love everything that has to do with it. No matter how lame outside people may think, we proudly stick with it and whole-heartedly work towards the end.

Yet the previous answer does not totally cover all the ground that needs to be covered. We cannot explain what will happen to all the knowledge and hard work you put when you die. Those discoveries of knowledge and piles of hard work probably will be continued by others or sometimes just left behind and forgotten in the passage of time. Believe it or not, it all comes down to the relationship between you and your Creator. He is the only one that justly counts every drop of sweats you produce and every ounce of hard work you put. Everything is counted unmissed.

In the world of technology that we are living in right now, the society gages good work by looking at results and outcomes without particularly heed the unfruitful efforts. The unfruitful efforts are considered nothing but just uncherished wastes. What a sad, sad situation. That’s why Islam is the best way of life. In the situation where the work and efforts we put bear no fruits and results; they are still being weighed the way it should be from Allah’s perspective - as long as they are not wrong from Shariah’s viewpoints (Islamic jurisprudence). So let’s re-new our intentions in finding the light of knowledge and, at the same time, seeking the “redha” (pleasure) of Allah. InsyaAllah (With Allah’s will).

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Travel: Rediscovering a New Dimension of Ourselves.

2011-01-18T01:50:00.002-05:00

Assalamualaikum (May peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). I just got back from a Muktamar (Islamic Conference and Discussion) in Missouri. To be honest it was nothing like I imagined. Before going I thought it couldn't be that good but everything changed, when I first listened to the very first parallel room session. Alhamdullillah (Praise be to Allah). My prejudice was totally wrong. It opened my eyes on how entertaining this kind of Islamic fulfillment could be. The event was worth all the sweats and efforts I put to get there.

There were a bunch of great speakers lectured and a lot of new dimensions I discovered in Islam. When I spent time hearing to the talks, the experience put me to shame because of my “jumud” (close mindedness). As a Muslim, I already knew that Islam is perfect in every aspect of life. Yet, like most Muslims, I didn’t know where the line is, where to stop thinking, where to keep going and where to try discovering realm of possibilities. Now the borders are expanding. Thanks Allah for your hidayah (signs).

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Islamic Ethics: Meeting with an Adversary or a Powerful Ruler

2010-12-21T19:50:00.004-05:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). Subahanallah (Glory be to Allah) we are currently in the second half of December of 2010 and soon 2011 will set into our lives. Time surely passes us by fast. As humans, we are always busy with worldly matters all day long. As usual, life starts after Subuh and sometimes does not even seem to end unless Isyak comes. It is natural to stumble into many kinds of people everyday especially when we work in office and deal with a human network. We cannot help to feel uncomfortable and often scared with someone who has a higher position compared to us since we don’t know what they feel about us in their heart.

Islam teaches us how to confront with this type of people and deal with them appropriately without losing our dignity and faith. Sometimes, people feel afraid too much more than it is necessary. It keeps going till people think their superiors have power to control almost everything in their lives and future – how they carry themselves and future career development. On the contrary, they are nothing but mere creations of Allah, just like we are. Allah is the Almighty. He is the only sole Entity who has power over anything that has happened, is happening and will happen in this world. Not a single piece of leaf will fall without His knowledge and His realization.

So, what is the best way to face our superiors? The answer is supplicating invocations (doa) to Allah. There is a bunch of invocations that Islamic scholars suggested us to recite before having any contacts with these people. The verses were derived from the Quran or Hadiths. They are as follows:

Invocations when dealing with a powerful ruler/ an adversary

May Allah protect us from any evil intentions and deeds of humans. Insyaallah (With Allah’s will).

p/s: The invocations were quoted from a book entitled

Fortress of the Muslim by Said bin Wahf Al-Qahtani

and published by Darussalam

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Muharram and Hijrah: Resolutions and Migration for the Better

2010-12-06T14:53:00.001-05:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). Alhamdulillah (All praises be to Allah). We are given another opportunity to enter a new Islamic year of 1432. Entering this month of Muharram, many of us are preoccupied to jot down a new, long list of resolutions. To be honest, I am doing that too. Yes, we have to reinvent ourselves sometimes to check whether we are on the right track or not. We cannot help falling into Satan’s traps and listening to its bad whispers when all those things are constantly happening around us all the times.

The question with the long list of resolutions is how efficient it is on us. Did it ever change us to be better people? (or Muslims?) How many times we hear that resolutions have no effects on people. They change for awhile and relapse to be the persons they used to be or, in other words, just stay the same. It is because people pay so much attention on how many resolutions they have instead of how capable they are to make and adapt to the changes. So I would suggest we just make one resolution or two and start working on them first. Then, after feeling comfortable with the changes, then add some more to the list later somewhere down the road. It doesn’t have to be on the magical night of the New Year. It is actually in you. Happy Maal Hijrah. May this year give you more time to think about Allah and investigate His great creations. InsyaAllah (With Allah’s will).

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Love: Always and Forever...

2010-12-02T17:34:00.003-05:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). This time I want to spend some time talking about what is continuously spreading in our soul. It’s L…O…V…E…. Yeah right guys, LOVE. It is short, simple and easy. Yet it is long (time), complicated (feeling) and hard (giving it up). As human beings, we cannot deny this nature bestowed by Allah. We always fall in love with someone (it's OK if you follow Islamic guidelines- I mean after got married) or something (hobbies and interests). When we do, we are willing to do anything and lose everything to make the person happy or the interest become a part of something great. At last, those will eventually die and fade away.

Fortunately Muslims who have strong faith in their heart know who they should devout their LOVE to. It is LOVE between HUMANS and their CREATOR. Yes you heard me. Other than love between humans, we always forget this. I don’t want to mention much about this because it is much well-written in a nasyeed (Islamic-oriented song) by Saujana. I would really suggest you guys to listen to this new nasyeed. It has very nice lyrics. You can hear it in Youtube (Click here to hear it). For those who don’t understand Malay, it’s OK. I, with my best ability given by Allah, translated the lyrics into English.

Nota Cinta (Love Note)

Album: Nota Cinta (Album: Love Note)
Artis: Saujana (Artist: Saujana)

Andainya dapatku menulis                  (If I can jot down)
Nota-nota cinta buat diri-Nya                   (Love notes to Him)
Ingin ku titipkan bersama                   (I wish to compose them with)
Semua kuntuman bunga                     (All petals and buds)
Yang indah berseri                            (That are strikingly beautiful)

Ku sembur haruman mewangi           (I spray good perfumes)
Bersama kata-kata puji                      (On the praising words)
Sedang Dia tahu kasih dan cintanya aku (Although He knows my affection and love)
Menjalin ikatan menuju ke Syurga   (Tied pure to Heaven)

Cintaku kepada Dia     (My love to Him)
Rinduku hanya pada-Nya     (My longing only to Him)
Kasihku tulus buat-Nya                           (My sincere affection to Him)
Setiaku balas kasih-Nya                          (My undivided loyalty to Him)
Kasihku kasih yang setia   (My passion, undying passion)
Pada yang punya                                   (To Him who deserves it)

Dambaku pada Yang Esa                         (My devotion to The One)
Pujian hanya buat-nya                            (My Praises only to Him)
Akurku kebesaran-Nya   (I submit to His greatness)
Teragung Maha Suci-Nya                        (The Greatest, His Most Holy)
Taatku hamba yang hina                         (My trueness as a mere servant)
Pada Pencipta                                       (To Lord)

Kiranya aku hilang arah     (Whenever I am lost)
Jalan hidupku berubah punah     (My path gets rough)
Namun kasih-Nya tak pernah akan musnah (Yet His love never fades)
Belas rahmat-Nya terus mencurah-curah   (His mercy keeps pouring)
Nur Hidayah-Nya semakin cerah   (His light gets even brighter)

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Self-Improvement: Your Home is enough

2010-11-30T05:38:00.003-05:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). In this entry of blog, I want to discuss about self-improvement and seclusion from the perspective of Islam. Even though I will write mostly on the benefits of being cloistered and in privacy; yet, Islam does not say that Muslims have to seclude their lives from the world. We also have to take part in the worldly matters like in business, education and dakwah (spreading Islamic teachings). What I mean when I talk about seclusion is about distancing ourselves from haram (forbidden) and syubhah (uncertain) matters, like I said, from the Islamic viewpoint.

Sometimes, distancing ourselves from the world is not totally a bad option if the seclusion can bring more good than harm to us. In Islamic history, there were many cases reported showing that tons of new ideas, human progresses and knowledge developments took place while arduous Islamic scholars got imprisoned in cells and abandoned wells. There, they spent countless waking moments doing productive things in their lives which have been benefiting lives after theirs. Here is a short list of the people and their contributions to the human race:

Imam Ahmad Ibn Hambal - He was severely tortured and flogged and later became a great Imam of the Sunnah.
Imam Ibn Taymiyah - He was imprisoned and when freed, became more accomplished.
Imam As-Sarakhsi – He was kept in an unused well where he produced 20 volumes of Islamic jurisprudence.
Imam Ibn Atheer – He was crippled. Yet with his ability, he wrote 2 famous books in the Science of Hadith
Imam Ibn al-Jawzi - He was banished from Baghdad. Then he traveled and mastered 7 different recitations of the Quran. [mostly quoted from a book entitled “La Tahzan”]

It is amazing how all those Imam names mentioned turned a lemon into a sweet, nice drink which later quenches thirsts of human beings for knowledge and guidance. MasyaAllah (Whatever Allah wills). These show there are no excuses for a person to fail in his/her life. So the choice is ours. From my point of view, failure is not an option!!! May Allah grant us more opportunities to learn knowledge, educate ourselves and spread it to the human race. InsyaAllah (With Allah’s Will).

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Faith: A Total Trust in Allah

2010-11-23T01:32:00.002-05:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). Alhamdulillah (All praises be to Allah), I finished my doctoral exams that took place for 2 months long. I am not gonna lie about this matter. It was the longest 2 months ever in my life. I believe it shaped me in a positive way, in a way that I didn’t even realize it. During the struggle of preparing myself for the exam that caused me excruciating headaches, I really learned to be a better person from every angle that I could possibly see. I used to spend my countless waking hours doing something that I shouldn’t do. Fortunately now, I am more critical at how I spend my time.

Honestly, I don’t feel really good right now about myself; even though I am finished with the exam. I feel I didn’t do well enough. The feeling of scary failure and not performing up to the bar still haunt me like my shadow. I guess the best thing I can do for now is, to have faith in Allah’s plan. I tried my best shot, I cut my sleep time, I spent crazy hours with “interesting” books (actually not that interesting, more like boring). Now, I have to wait for His plan. Whatever we do, how great we are, at last, we are just a mere servant of Him. Tawakkal Innallah (I put my total trust in Allah’s plan). May Allah grant us with more opportunities to better ourselves and strength in our hearts to face the turbulence in this chaotic world. InsyaAllah (With Allah’s will)

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“When two parties of you almost fell away, and Allah was their Protecting Friend. In Allah do believers put their trust (tawakkal).” ~ (Al-Quran: Al-E-Imran 3:122)

Happy Eid Mubarak : Boundless and Timeless Sacrifices

2010-11-17T17:59:00.004-05:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). It is my solemnest honor to greet my Muslim brothers and sisters all around the globe Happy Eid Mubarak. Alhamdulillah (All praises be to Allah), He gives us another chance to experience this important religious event again this year. It is verily His mercy on us. By experiencing this festival of sacrifice, I hope we, Muslims, can reflect all the things we have done in our own lives and try to correct all the wrong things and mistakes we did intentionally and unintentionally. As humans, we are never free from making mistakes and being influenced by Satans (Syaitans). We are lucky because Allah tells us that He is Oft-Forgiving and will forgive all the sins we have made and will make. The proof of that can be seen in this translated verse from Al-Quran:

Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." ~ (Al-Quran: Az-Zumar 39:53)

During this festival, we should also recall the history behind it. The festival is designated to commemorate the willingness of Abraham (Ibrahim) to sacrifice his son Ishmael (Isma'il) as an act of obedience to Allah, before Allah intervened to provide him with a ram to sacrifice instead [quoted from Wikipedia]. This sacrifice was already hard as it sounds. Yet, the situation was even harder on Abraham because he left Ishmael in a desert since Ishmael was a baby (due to Allah’s revelation) and reunited with him when Allah demanded Abraham to sacrifice his son. This boundless sacrifice and unbreakable devotion to Allah is beyond a capability of a human being. That’s why Abraham was named as one of the Ulul Azmi messengers (messengers who have a high unshakeable spirit, strong psychological mental, steadfast in his stands or views). From the event of Ishmael's abandonment, most of Hajj rituals and sites were erected and named. I hope everyone and I have a chance to visit Kaaba (Allah’s house) one day and I again hope that everyone set a goal to be an Allah’s guest.

From my experience as a Muslim who studies in USA, it is sometimes really challenging for me to perform my religious rituals and obligations. They are also some Muslims who confess as Muslims but never act like ones and never perform the obligations like the salats. Even everyday life is often hard. Most of the times when I performed the salats and somebody stumbled into me, the person tended to stare and ask what I did. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind doing the explanations. But when they heard it was about Islam, many lost their interest and started condemning. Not many tried to understand or at least tried be polite.

That’s one thing. Another thing is festivals like this one. Since the last five years, I always have to miss many religious festivals due to work, meeting, exams and presentations. Rarely can I get away from those, and this inevitable situation always leaves me sad and guilty. I feel sad because I don’t have a chance to experience the feeling that comes with the festivals and I feel guilty because I think I didn’t do my best to get away from worldly matters to celebrate and commemorate this festival of sacrifice. Anyhow, I am grateful because Eid Mubarak lasts for 3 days and at least I still have a chance to celebrate it personally and decently at home. May Allah grant us with more strength and religious devotion to carry His message to all His creations. InsyaAllah (With Allah’s Will). Wassalam.

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“You should give preference to your brother's welfare over your personal needs. The Quran records the attitude of true Believers: But [they] give preference over themselves, even though poverty was their [own lot].” ~[Al-Quran: Al-Hashr 59: 9.]

p/s: I personally take back any wrong statements and ideas in this or other post/s. I apologize for any wrong or harsh words used insensitively due to any difference in race, religion or language as long as I live and after I die.

Food for the Soul: La Tahzan (Don’t be Sad)

2010-11-15T14:52:00.001-05:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). You may notice from my last post, I had been feeling down and upset about life. It seemed I had enough with life. So I tried to lift myself up. I heard a couple of nasyeeds and motivational English songs. They did lift me up for awhile. Then after some time, I needed more and more. So that was not the ultimate solution. I kept wandering in Youtube, searching for a better solution. Suddenly I remembered a phrase that my ustazah (female Islamic cleric) used to say to me. It was “La Tahzan” which means “Don’t be Sad” when I told her that I was struggling with life several months ago. I kept thinking about this phrase and I asked myself, “Why is this phrase so familiar? It must mean something.”

After I spent some more time hearing a couple more nasyeeds and stuff, I remembered one of my friends back home once told me that there was this good book available in the market and the title is “La Tahzan/ Don’t be Sad”. So I said to myself, “I have to find this book no matter what. I don’t wanna miss on something good like this.” Then I started looking for the book in Malay and yeeesss, I got it!!! The problem was I had to order it from Malaysia and I had a feeling that the publisher didn’t really want to take that much effort sending it here to USA.

I didn’t give up there. “OK, why not I find it in English,” I mumbled. I heard the book is one of world’s best sellers. I gotta try. Yeahhhhh I got it and this time in English. I found it in Amazon.com. Alhamdulillah (All praises be to Allah). But wait, I didn’t know how good this book is. I wanted to know how well-written it is before i buy. I could not just decide from my friend's reviews. Quickly, I used the Google search bar and typed La Tahzan. A bunch of videos popped up from Youtube. Perfecttttt….!!! Now I could have a glance into the book without having to buy it first.

From the first two videos, I felt kind of OK, not that great but not bad either. Why not try another one. My hand swiftly moved the mouse and I clicked the third video. This one was different. The video maker really brought the essence of the book combined with great background layouts. You know what? When I finished watching the third one, I felt so mesmerized and so impressed with the message. I was so ashamed because I didn’t know how silly I was to give up on Allah’s boundless mercy. I kept watching that video several more times. Trust me, it was extremely good. Good job Dr. Aaidh ibn Abdullah Al-Qarni!!! May Allah bless you with more ideas and more knowledge to write even more. After that, I went straight to the Amazon.com website that I opened and clicked “Buy Now”.

To those who feel lost and experience like a weight of the world is on their shoulders, I would suggest you to buy this book and crack it. We can read Harry Potter series, Eclipse: New Moon etc. and spend countless hours talking nonsense with friends. Yet we find it hard to read Al-Quran and books written based on Al-Quran that can help us develop our personality in a healthy way. This is what we call a long-term good investment. InsyaAllah (With Allah’s will), we can develop our lives in a manner that is thought by Islam and, most importantly, in the way that Allah pleases. La Tahzan, verily Allah's mercy is unbounded!!!

If you are in Malaysia (Malay version) and you want to buy it. Buy here

If you are in USA (English version) and you want to buy it. Buy here

Example videos from Youtube (Malay) . Video 1. Video 2. Video3.

Family ≠ Education: Split personality

2010-11-15T06:52:00.001-05:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). This morning I talked to my friend about family, life and things other than education (since lately it has been all about education and school. I am starting to morph into the nerdiest college geek ever). To be honest, it is refreshing and entertaining to talk about something new and livelier than school. Arrgghh… I wish I can spend more time with my friends and family back home. I really miss the times when I didn’t have to worry about the future, especially my future. The times when I just needed to wake up in the morning, go to school, come back home, play with my friends in the afternoon, eat dinner with family and go to bed without any worry whatsoever. Yeah, those were the good times. As we grow older, more responsibilities are on our shoulders. Like it or not, we have to shoulder and make the best out of them.

Frankly speaking, we spend countless hours working on worldly matters and sometimes we got too carried away with life. This kind of mirage often makes us forget and less sensitive about what the most important things are. As a Muslim, I believe I should put my religion, family and education first. I am probably doing OK at school which makes me truly preoccupied to a point I don’t balance my life the way it should be. No wonder most of the times I feel something is missing in me. I need to balance daily life.

A couple of days ago, my roommate asked me, “When did you leave for school this morning?” and I simply answered him, “Probably at 8 this morning”. He stopped for awhile and I thought our conversation ended there. Then he asked again, “And you just got back now? At 10 pm?” and I answered without hesitation, “Yeah, what is the problem, dude?”Obviously, I was wrong. He stopped for awhile just now because he was astonished that I spent almost all my waking hours at school. He realized I had been spending all time I had at school doing research for the last several months. He didn’t say much after that but I knew he wanted to say more; but he couldn’t care more because it was my life he talked about. He might not realize how much the questions he asked affected me from the inside.

On that night, it was hard for me to fall asleep compared to the other nights after crazy days. I usually fell asleep in less than 5 minutes after I climbed into my bed. A lot of thoughts came across my mind. Two major matters conquered me – family and how much longer it’s going to take for me to finish school. You probably don’t get why I had a hard time about this. Let me enlighten you about my education history. I started to go to boarding schools when I was 12 years. Since then I have been spending more than 80% of my life at school educating my mind and polishing my brain. It sometimes feels extremely personal when I think about this matter, especially when I think about how much love I miss at home.

Some may consider me lucky to come this far. Some may consider me brilliant to further my studies to this level. Some may consider me strong to go to USA to pursue knowledge when I can just get it in Malaysia. Some may consider me brave to be outspoken when the stake is high. In reality inside of me, I feel sad instead of lucky, silly instead of brilliant, weak instead of strong and tired instead of brave. I am sad because I am far from home. I am silly because I cannot understand what I am feeling right now. I am weak because all I do is facing life not facing my family. I am tired because life is always crazy. Yes, I have a split personality in me. Oh God, save me from these feelings.

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Road Less Traveled…

2010-11-13T08:30:00.007-05:00

Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be with you). Alhamdulillah (All praises be to Allah). I just finished the second phase of my doctoral qualifying exam. Yet I still have another phase coming soon on Nov 22^nd and that will be the last one. Right now I am so jaded with struggles and sleep time rations that I put myself into for the last several months. While the exam seems to be a past thing to me, my life is not getting any easier. Believe me, it is not. Last week I went and met with my super-strict advisor. Guess what? He started doing something that he’s really good at. He lectured me for solid half an hour. He put me to shame when all the things he nagged are right about me. Yeah, life is hard. It never cuts you any slacks. It has no mercy on you. I wish I can bury my head in sand just get away from shame.

Since I kind of have a lot on my plate, I have to start re-planning my next moves soon. I guess I have to make some minor and major changes to meet a better goal in this ever-changing world. I always believe that life is a moving target and we have to be sensitive with the upcoming changes and future demands to be top players, unless you just want to be a passenger in your own life that you deserve. My advice is, start living life worth living. Yes, life needs an active participation from you. Everyone knows, you get what you work for. Don’t be like fools who think that everything has been predestined and they just need to wait. When they realize it, it is too late for them to make their moves.

If you learn about great people in history, you’ll realize all of them took active actions in conquering problems that life threw at them. They stood tall during good and bad times. They weathered freezing storms and scorching heat just because they saw a ray of hope and wanted to grab it. Challenges are not problems. Instead, they are stepping stones for them to reach a higher ground, a better success. Great people consider challenges as walls that separate between the ones who want to succeed and the ones who are just not brave enough to face life.

In other words, success doesn’t come free. It comes with a price tag. It’s sometimes cheap and sometimes priceless. So it is us who put the price on it. It costs us time devotion, monied sacrifices and unbearable bitterness. How much of those does it cost for a great one? Nobody knows; but you can invest how much you are willing to risk. Many say weird stuff like these - “I see some people who don’t have to do much to become successful” or “I am not that lucky like those guys. They are blessed with generous fortune.” They sound familiar right. I know they do. Trust me, those successful guys secretly risk opportunities and work hard in a way we don't realize it. When a great story is being written, lazy guys just say “what a lucky guy” to the person who makes it happen. Is it fair? I do believe no such things as instant-noodle solutions in life. Every progress is a sum of decades of sweats.

When asked about a recipe of becoming successful, most of successful people tell their stories of hardship and failure. That’s normal. They don’t really tell us successes they earn over the years because they are just too obvious. When listening to the shameful failures and unbearable hardship, people who think that success comes in an easy way quickly change their mindsets and become, like they always are, lazy cowards. They don’t really have what it takes to become successful guys and work as hard. That’s why the road traveled by successful people is the road less traveled by many. It is thorny and it has never been easy. InsyaAllah, may Allah grant us strength and opportunities to become one of the successful guys.

Pix

"The successful man will profit from his mistakes

and try again in a different way." ~Dale Carnegie~

By Time: We Are In Loss…

2010-11-03T09:19:00.004-04:00

Assalamualaikum readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be with you). Without us realizing, time has been passing us by fast. I feel like it was yesterday I stepped in the year of 2010 and today it is already in November. Yes time moves really fast without us realizing that it is leaving us. It is actually a sign of the end of time as being reported in these translated hadiths:

Narrated Abu Huraira (R.A) that The Prophet (P.B.U.H) said, “Time will pass rapidly, good deeds will decrease, miserliness will be thrown (in the hearts of the people) afflictions will appear and there will be much ‘Al-Harj.” They said, “O Allah’s Apostle! What is “Al-Harj?” He said, “Killing! Killing!” [Bukhari; Vol.8, Hadith 63]

Narrated Anas ibn Malik (R.A) Allah’s Messenger (P.B.U.H) said, “The last hour will not come before time contracts, a year being like a month, a month like a week, a week like a day, a day like an hour, and an hour like the kindling of a fire.” [Tirmidhi]

As Muslims, we have to pay a particular attention on this specific matter because Allah swears about time in the Al-Quran in Surah Al-Asr (Passage of The Time) which can be translated as below:

“By Al-'Asr (the time). Verily! Man is in loss. Except those who believe and do righteous good deeds, and recommend one another to the truth and recommend one another to patience.” ~ (Quran, 103, 1-3)

Since time passes us by fast, we have to make it count. Yes, every second counts. Islam advises us to better ourselves. So to make time counts, we can earn some benefits from it by improving ourselves little by little. It doesn’t have to be much but make sure every day we make some simple, better changes in life. Insyaallah (Allah’s Will), we can make a difference in our own life and lives around us.

I guess I have to start cracking my book and doing my work because, like I said, time passes us by fast. Let's preach and do what we preach.Wassalam.

Pix

A Characteristic Triad of Post-Syawal Symptoms: Fat, Burnt-out and Jaded

2010-10-05T05:43:00.005-04:00

Subahanallah (Glory be to Allah). We are now in the last 3 days of Syawal. That means the Eid Fitr mood is fading away as the time goes by. I hope that everyone has a chance to finish 6 fasting days after Ramadhan. It is highly endorsed by Rasullallah in his hadith as follows:

"Ayyub (Allah be pleased with him) relates that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him, his family, and companions) said, “Whoever fasts Ramadan and follows it with six days from Shawwal it is as if they fasted the entire year.” " ~[Muslim, Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi, and Ibn Majah]~

After the hustle and bustle of feting the festival for the whole month, our body can just take so much. It will start becoming worn out. So there will be a “consequence” we have to face right after that. As usual all the nice sugar, excess fat and extravagant food are not going anywhere. They tend to get accumulated in some notorious parts of our body. Here comes a big belly. That’s not a surprise. The surprise is, we question ourselves from where we get this ridiculous flap around our body. We pretend like we don’t know what we’ve done. Isn’t it great? (haha…)

In the last several months I have been struggling with preparations for my doctoral qualifying examination. Like a normal college student I have to climb the mountain, go down the hill, turn right and left just to get a grip to my undergrad materials. Not to mention how regret I am about how much time I wasted when I did my bachelor degree. What a nice surprise!!! With all the ups and downs that I have been going through, it really makes me burnt out and mentally jaded. I wish I can have a super power like a superman. Sigh!!!

Research + Class + Eid Fitr = Recipe for No Fun

2010-09-10T02:06:00.003-04:00

Tonight, all Muslims in the US officially celebrate one of the major festivals in the Islamic calendar which happens to be Eid Fitri. I have no words to express how happy I am to join the Muslim community around the globe feting this huge event. Eid Fitr takes place in Syawal – the tenth month in the Islamic lunar calendar. Many Muslims are mistaken saying that Eid Fitri is just on the very first day of Syawal although the designated time for the festival in Islam is the whole month of Syawal. It doesn’t mean Muslims should keep celebrating the feast all month long without cautiously heeding on ridiculously over-the-limit expenses and extremely extravagant food. This kind of behaviors is not welcomed in Islamic ethics -akhlak- and defeating the purpose of Ramadhan trainings itself.

Muslims should really keep everything moderate and be grateful for having the opportunity to taste last Ramadhan that left us just yesterday. That is the true meaning of Syawal, which is celebrating a new better life that every Muslim achieves after practicing month-long drills of self-reflection, self-betterment, self redemption and Allah-searching. Like everyone else, I pray to Allah to save me from the hellfire since that is the ultimate goal after leaving Ramadhan.

Most of my Malaysian friends at Stevens are having a congregation to mark the month of Syawal some where on campus. Unfortunately in my case as a graduate student, I am currently swarmed by overflowing research journals and reading assignments on the very night of the first day of Syawal. Not to mention a class I have to attend at noon tomorrow. Believe me, it is no fun to dig in school work on the first day and night of Syawal. Yet, I will be optimistic about the situation. Like I said, the festival is a month long. So why I should go all out on the first night and day of the month when I still have the rest of month. Considering what is happen to me right now, I am not going to be that whiny and sad since a lot of my brothers and sisters in Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan and some other places who are not that lucky to even have a roof above their heads. Thanks to Allah for at least giving me this life and the comfort of my home.

Talking about being a new person after Ramadhan, most Muslims including me forget what Ramadhan has thought. We tend to go astray, forgetting the real essence of lessons we learnt during Ramadhan. So I guess everyone should set the dates for the 6 fasting days in Syawal as a continuation of what we have done in Ramadan. Since Ramadhan has prepared us so much, I hope we celebrate Eid Fitr like newborns and continue our redemption to God. Don’t let all the hard work and sweats in Ramadhan go away just because Ramadhan is not here anymore. On the contrary we should think Ramadhan as a training school for us to reach a whole new level of Allah-worshipping, public charity and becoming better caliphs on earth. Let’s continue bettering ourselves.

With the spirit of Syawal, I take this opportunity to apologize for all the wrong deeds I have done intentionally and unintentionally on any of you and please consider all the food and stuff I got from you with or without your knowledge as charity. May Allah bless us all. Happy Eid Fitr.

3F: Fear, Freedom and Faith

2010-09-08T23:16:00.003-04:00

Assalamualaikum (Peace be upon you) and hello readers. Lately media have been swarmed by countless news and future events regarding Muslims and Islam. Many irrelevant diatribes, illogical misunderstandings and immoral behaviors bombarded the Muslim community in the USA. Some claimed to be overnight “professionals” in Islam by confidently talking about it. Not less declared to be great “idealists” by discussing about the idea of terrorists’ triumph if the Islamic Center built near the Ground Zero – the place where the tragedy 9/11 took place in 2001. Unfortunately, all these “professionals” and “idealists” weren’t utterly aware of what had been happening all around the globe. They just had the sudden urge to speak and took so-called leadership to further make the world confused about the already confusing views on Islam. So every one of them came with the best bets they had in hand. That was how the words - fear, freedom and faith – came into the landscape of current discussion. Come on!!! Who are we kidding? Fifth graders? I guess the fifth graders are by far smarter than most of us. Sigh!

First let me discuss about FEAR and see what is really happening in the dark where no one sees it. Years after the attack of the 9/11, people were still perplexed and clueless about what Islam is, especially in the United States. Out of the bewilderment, they just concluded that Islam is terrorism and abandoned the impulse to understand the religion. Then the word Islamophobia emerged in the American society in the early 21^st century. Islamophobia existed because people are afraid of Islam due to a lack of apprehension about it. (Really? We were already in the 21th century when this thing was happening? How come a self proclaimed well-educated society like Americans becomes so close-minded about a religion?) The misinterpretation about Islam had been continuing until people started to reach the dawn of comprehending Islam. Yet, some politicians wittily manipulated the sensational events for their advantages and shamefully placed their opponents in difficult position. Advocating the Americans rights, condemning/praising the religion and its adherents have been burgeoning up till today. This hot-potato topic really picked up some moment to the stage of reaching to the point of no return. As usual, many huge figures unexpectedly expressed their 5-cent concerns to get cheap publicity without really putting things into action. Read here for more.

In the meanwhile, FREEDOM also plays a major part in the interreligious debate. The United States has been taking pride in her “sincere” freedom over practically anything we can imagine. Americans always boast about their active participations in setting the world free from any “abusive” dependence according to their eyes. Hence they devise freedom of speech in the First Amendment in the United States Constitution. This freedom is not specifically meant to tackle the speech alone but also to be extended to generally anything unlimited by barriers/boundaries. That’s good but the problem is, the hypocrites take the liberty to bend the rule as they like and try to hide the truth from the uneducated and cynical. So a perfect storm occurs when freedom of speech meets head-to-head with freedom of religion. Hate-mongers and peace-makers look alike and true information stay buried in the crusade. This is what the US Constitution obviously fails to tackle and contain. See what Americans say about the Quran burning event here.

In the midst of ups and downs of world’s religious troubles, the educated take a brilliant step by staying put and let the turbulence to recede before executing any honest, healing duty. They persist to have a FAITH in mankind. They are the actual advocates who genuinely understand the gravity of the situations. For understanding non-Muslims, they still believe in harmony and try to stay optimistic in this difficult times. Hopefully faithful Muslims take a high road and keep living their Islamic way of life. I think this knucklehead’s programs are not long to stay in the picture. Enlighten about the current event of building a mosque near Ground Zero here.

In the nutshell, let’s be more critical in judging what is really happening around us. Be more observant and take time in gathering right information, conquering personal fears and getting ready to face tomorrow’s greater challenges. The truth will prevail. Insyaallah (God willing).

Ramadhan:Leaving or being left?

2010-09-03T07:46:00.002-04:00

Subahanallah (Glory be to Allah), we have reached the last 10 days of holy Ramadhan. Everything passes so swiftly without realizing that we are almost finished with Ramadhan. I hope Muslims have been appreciating this month the way it deserves. Like a norm during this last section of Ramadhan, many Muslims find themselves preoccupied with Eid Fitr preparations as the event is approaching fast. This is a bitter-sweet situation in the Muslim society. We are so obsessed with celebrations, events, and festivals and we forget something more important which is increasing our Ibadah to Allah, especially during this last 10 days of Ramadhan. It is being reported frequently that the Lailatul Qadr most likely to fall on one of the nights in this last 10 days of Ramadhan. The truth behind it stays hidden and no one actually knows when it is. I guess the silver lining behind it is, just do your Ibadah every night in Ramadhan.

In this phase of Ramadhan as a Muslim from Malaysia, my society and I have our own tradition in celebrating the upcoming festival, Eid Fitr. Most housewives and moms are super-duper busy with their recipes of crunchy cookies and delectable cakes. It’s like a competition on who can make the most delicious cookies and cakes ever. Don’t get me wrong. I like those treats and I am really looking forward for those. Who doesn’t like Malaysian cookies and cakes, right? The problem is, is it worth it to abandon the call to increase your Ibadah just for the sake of food and treats? If we analyze the reality behind it, it is about the trade-off and we really have to choose somewhere in between. Like a quote that we always hear, “Work like you live forever, do Ibadah like you die tomorrow.” Who says we have to leave the worldly activities and just do Ibadah all day long? So remember, it is about the trade-off.

Islam is beautiful in every way if we take it as a whole, not just parts of it. That’s why many Islamic scholars promote Islam as a way of life instead of just a religion. It is so inclusive that it starts from the very moment we wake up in the morning to the second we go to bed at night, from the very moment we are born to the second we are buried in the grave. Everything has been delicately and beautifully outlined in the orderly manner.

Right now I am trying to measure how much different I am as a person before, during and soon after Ramadhan. Am I just the same person that I used to be? If the answer is yes, I am missing the opportunities in bettering myself. If the answer is no, I have to be more than anxious of the answer. Whatever the answer is, it is not too late for me to take this last section of Ramadhan as seriously as I possibly can to further improve myself as a person in general and as a Muslim in particular. For others, let’s decorate this Ramadhan with Quran recitals, prayers, and charity and continue doing those for the rest of our lives. That’s the real teaching behind Ramadhan which is transforming Muslims to be better Khalifahs in the world. Insyaallah (God will).

This picture is copied from this link.

"Ramadan is the (month) in which the Quran was sent down, as a guide to mankind and a clear guidance and judgment (so that mankind will distinguish from right and wrong).." (Q 2:183)

Celebrating 53rd Independence Day of Malaysia: How Far We’ve Come…

2010-09-01T06:50:00.003-04:00

The Independence Day celebration of 2010 was no less when compared to the previous ones that we had had in the past. Everything was extravagant, loud and vibrant. That is Malaysia. We are proud of who we are and we really want to keep it that way. (At least I want it to be that way). We take pride of every bit and every little difference we have and transform it into a greater thing – more than the sum of individual parts. That makes Malaysia special and unique. It is so special and so unique that I would say no countries in the world are like her. So here I am, proclaiming that I am officially proud to be a Malaysian.

In Malaysia, we have many different yet amicable races – Malays, Chinese, Indians and aborigines. No one can deny our colorful and harmonious interrelationships between these races. So it is very synonymous to use “Malaysia, Truly Asia” as our slogan to promote Malaysia to the world because we do offer that full package. People from the outside always envy our harmony and say “it is too good to be true”. Yeah… that’s right. It is so because they don’t know how much we have to compromise among us to make it happen. And that’s where our true strength lies.

Even though it has been 53 years we achieved the independence from England. The real independence is still not fully achieved. The fights and struggles are still far from over. Like the 4^th Prime Minister of Malaysia said “Getting the independence is hard, and it is much harder to fulfill the meaning of it”. Yes I have to agree with him. Many don’t realize how difficult it is to fulfill the independence with a meaningful progress to show that Malaysia is worth of her independence.

When I look back on what we have and what we do to fulfill the independence, I feel something is missing, something is not right, something is just not that good enough. I keep asking myself what it is, what is the missing jigsaw puzzle in the big picture? Unfortunately it comes to my realization that it is about true independence in us all - how much we’ve grown up not just grown old, and how mature we are in tackling the current turbulences in politics, economy and social.

Currently we are confronting with a handful of unprecedented troubles - religious feuds, racial incitement, economic instability and political reformations. This train of challenging situations is just a starting point to test whether we are ready to face them up front or not. I hope we really learned from the history. If we can face these problems and rise from the ashes, we can be a lot stronger and more united in tackling any future challenges. Believe it or not, this is just the very first bite of responsibility of having independence. I know it is difficult and please don’t get panicked. Let’s take our time to sort things out. Happy Independence Day, Malaysia. May Allah bless Malaysia with harmony and prosperity.

Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely ~Auguste Rodin~

My Heart starts racing again…

2010-08-22T02:17:00.003-04:00

Sigh! I am here to talk about the same old story about my studies. As of now, my studies are not going so well. I guess it is about the feelings of exhaustion, fed up, under pressure and burned-out. I believe these feelings have been tormenting all grad students throughout the ages, because I have read a lot of complaints in the internet over the “suck”ness of grad studies. Lately the feelings are so overwhelmed and they start to affect my life so much in every way I can possibly imagine.

I asked a friend of mine about my problems. Thank god, he is the same shoes I am in - doing his PhD (permanent head damage, as I like to call it). He suggested me to return to God and religion and I am doing it right now. It does help a lot; but now I am worried about different things. About what I actually did for the last 12 months since I entered the program. Is my progress substantial? Are my efforts significant? Personally, I like to believe that they are just OK. To be honest, they are utterly not. I don’t really have much of a progress lately. My performance is diminishing. Obviously if I take a diagnostic test I would probably downright FAIL.

My recent situation is kind of unprecedented to me. I am juggling with a million issues at once. To make the matter worse, I start confronting with my emotional struggles. Qualifying exams, textbooks, classes, research, supervisor, journals - they are just raining on me with no signs of stopping soon. My control over the matters is deteriorating. My performance is plummeting. I am physically exhausted and mentally jaded. I really need a plan, a very good schedule and stick with them. The only thing I can do right now is to hope that the situation is not getting any worse.

Copied from: http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php?f=1359

Ramadhan, Roasted Lamb N School Work…

2010-08-10T23:24:00.002-04:00

Alhamdullillah (Praise be to Allah), it is my utmost honor to get into the holy month of Ramadhan again. Thank Allah for letting this lucky servant of Yours mend his deeds in this turbulent life. I hope this holy Ramadhan can help me prepare myself to meet You someday. I used to hear a tazkirah saying that bettering ourselves is a lifelong job. It doesn’t matter who you are. There is always room for improvement. So with that spirit in mind, I jotted down several resolutions as a baby step in bettering myself. First, doing my Tarawikh. I guess I have Tarawikh to do tonight. Erhmmmm… ( Yo.. Ammar, WAKE UP!!!!!!)

Anyhow, my stomach is whining like crazy right now because i didn't eat real food for the whole day. It has to be fed first. Then I can pray happily without having silly thoughts about food. I decided to cook “Kambing Percik” or “Kelantanese Roasted Lamb.” FYI this is my new favorite dish. Yum2x… I am not that notorious with food, guys. Of course I'll share it with you and it is only in picture. Sorry, no delivery orders. Only masak sendiri je adess... haha…

Sometimes it is very astonishing how life works (especially my school work). I have 24 hours a day and I manage to complete zero work. This is a new high record. I work on my reading and literature reviews for 5 minutes, it feels like 5 years. On the contrary, when I work in the kitchen or, so called, work in front of my laptop (actually I work on my PC games), it feels like a wink. Isn’t that amazing? If this kind of behaviors keeps on going, I don’t know when I can finish my PhD. I really have to add another resolution in my list. Second, work harder at school.

QE: Qualifying Examination

2010-08-09T02:08:00.001-04:00

OMG… I can’t believe it that the QE is just around the corner and I am still goofing around without any fears and whatsoever. The very moment my friends in my office gossiping about the next term of QE, I realized how bad my situation is… (Of course I am dead meat!!!)

Frankly speaking I did almost nothing to prepare for the QE other than lying around and bought books needed for the exam (really??? I bought the books!!! That’s a good first step taken… haha). Now I am really struggling hard to finish reading my undergrad textbook to get a grip on what I’ve learned when I did my Bachelors. Oh man… I didn’t know that it is this hard to redo something that I missed back then. Payback time I guess.

I wish I could have known that I would continue my studies to a higher level someday. And the day is now. That’s me. Full of wishful thinking and full of imagination. Let’s face it, in order to get what I want I have to sacrifice what I have. It’s like an investment- you pay something in advance today to get a possible profit tomorrow, right? Sorry I have to polish my economics first before talking about this matter. But I believe that’s how it works hopefully. Oooppppssss, something is striking me hard in my mind. There are two kinds of investments- good and bad. Is this investment good or bad? I serously don’t know the answer for that. Sigh!!!!

Turning your dreams to shames...

2010-04-26T20:19:00.006-04:00

This time I want to talk about thing that we don’t like to hear but it is happening everywhere and many people who listen to it just let that thing haunts them forever. Don’t worry. Let us put a BIG PERIOD to it. It is about people who like to turn other people’s dreams to shames. Yes, you heard me. There is a kind of people who live just to do this because their lives are just miserable and they want other people feel miserable too.

All these years, I let this kind of people to take control of my life and me. I always play a passive role in my own life. Now, guess what? It is so over. I am taking charge. I don’t care what kind of crap you talk about, what kind of garbage you force into my mind. I am not going to accept them anymore. Sorry Mr. Miserable, you are so not welcome. So friends, let me tell you what kind of people they are. Give me some time to walk you down aisle by aisle. Listen carefully.

Firstly, they try to be your friends and, of course, friends with benefits. At this very young state you feel you may have found the “bestest” friends in life.

Next, they can’t help but to know your lifestyle. Not to label them but they are creative and will learn it by heart.

Then, their greedy fingers get nosy into your life. They pretend to be your friends yet they are just your life-destroyers.

In no time, you feel comfortable their existence around you. They make sure you feel that you need them. On the contrary, they need you in order to be parasites.

Now, their little yet working scheme is infecting you. They ask you to do things you don’t want to do, or, things you shouldn't do.

It is easy to deduce. Their existence is just to see whether you are strong or weak. If you are strong, you rise burning above the ashes. If you are weak, they pull you down into rabbit holes where misery and darkness are the only companions you have.

Then when you talk about dreams, hopes and aspirations to them they laugh. They mock you. They push you flat on the ground. When you get agitated and upset, they get angry at you and say you can’t take jokes. When you say “stop it”, they say you are a MORON. That is a world that you are living in right now. To dream-breakers, the world doesn’t need you.

FEARS, HOPES AND PERFECTION.

2010-04-22T10:48:00.002-04:00

As a mundane human being, I fear. So I hope in order to compensate the lack of competitiveness in me. Honestly speaking, I am also a perfectionist as most of my friends may perceive me to be.

I fear, but fear of what? I fear of everything in life that is uncertain. I may never say this out loud. But when I wake up every morning, a sudden rush of fears comes down into my guts, especially when I am already 8 months in my doctoral program and nothing is done yet. Everything is at stake. My research never seems to take off; my studies are not as good as I expected; my life is a mess. What else I can say about them.

So what do I do to make everything better? I hope. I hope that my research is getting clearer and will take off soon rather than later. I hope my studies are a continual progression of completing a big jigsaw puzzle set. I hope my life is undergoing a transitional phase of fitting into a new pattern of lifestyle. Frankly, that’s what I have doing since I can remember.

In the mean time as a perfectionist, I want my life to be as flawless as humanly possible from mistakes and uncertainties. This is actually that causes a lot of friction around me. As I march forwards, it drags me.

Till a friend of mine told me it had to stop or I would stop progressing in life. It hurt me because it was so true. I stopped taking chances, fearing that it would just bring me misfortunes. By doing so, I had been missing many potential opportunities that life had to offer.

This morning I woke up with a fresh start. And I started to hope again. I hoped that I can be a man with courage, a man with hopes. I let the universe find its own course. I let go of my perfection.

Turn Over a New Leaf

2010-03-30T15:12:00.001-04:00

Stop thinking what inconsiderate, selfish people think and want. All they want is, bring you down into the rabbit holes, all the way down.

Start taking charge of my life as I should have been done it a long time ago.

Be mentally STRONGER!!!

Live my life to the fullest

I look to YOU

2010-03-22T07:22:00.004-04:00

It has been awhile I didn’t post any writing in this blog. I am so sorry for that and that’s why too I need to write this. For the last several months I have been busy with all my work as a doctoral student. I myself find it hard to cope with the situation that I put myself in. Sometimes I feel a lot of regrets for choosing the road that I am in. I make myself believe that I am so ready with to where this road is going to take me. Now I realize that I am not that ready to give what it takes.

I cant deny much longer that this doctoral program swallow me in whole in just one gulp. I find it difficult just to remain afloat every day. I try to give all things it may take – time, attention, concentration, and beyond all, my life. But all those things don’t seem to be enough to make me good at what I am doing.

Everyday when I woke up in the morning one question always bugged my mind; “Do I have what it takes to continue this program?” I dared not to answer the question. Hearing the question alone in my mind made me petrified and nuts. I couldn't believe what I put myself into.

Since I had been doing soul-searching. I lost my inner strength to keep fighting this never ending war of mental torments. Then I realized all I needed was there, around me all the time. So I looked for Him in a means that I never used to. I searched for Him each passing moment. My life… keeps falling towards the ground. I tried to grab and hold on to something but it was too late for me to recover from this slippery slope.

One morning while reading engineering journals for class, I found an utter peace in my mind and soul. It had been a long time inner peace found its way into my spirit. I looked out the window looking at the emerging light of dawn. I found what I had been looking for all this time. It is YOU. I look to YOU.

Kelantanese Roasted Chicken (Ayam Percik)

2009-12-09T04:09:00.004-05:00

Tonight was the moment my housemates and me had been waiting for a long time. i cooked Kelantanese roasted chicken aka "ayam percik". i didnt have any idea how a whole wide world could disappear in one second of guilty indulgence of food. who is the luckiest? my housemates!!! leg-crossing and leg-shaking while me sweating like hell in the kitchen. suddenly a piece of Malaysian heaven emerged in front of their eyes. who cares as long as we could have a good time together. happy to make 5 empty stomachs full. here is a piece of snapshot to share and make you guys jealous.

BON APPETIT!!!

Crossroads of Life...

2009-12-01T15:20:00.002-05:00

   This morning i suddenly thought whether i was at a multi-branched crossroads of life or on a spiral path full obstacles. it hit me hard when i felt that i was struggling with life while i should be enjoying it. i was trying my very best just to have through my day.

   So i took a proactive step to call my friend to have a second opinion about what had been going on now. he is more like a family to me than my real family is. he always stands by me through good and bad times. i don't what happened to me without him around.

   He brought up this matter. he really went deep into the situation. he separated the messy entanglements of problems pretty much strand by strand. i really amazed how he attacked the problems rationally and critically. he told that i was actually not at a crossroads of life but on spiral path full of obstacles. like it or not, i have to face it to solve the problems. i must weather these storms all alone if i have to. that's probably the way out. so afraid and jaded of this life.

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile."~Albert Einstein~

Lazy and Nocturnal

2009-11-19T07:32:00.002-05:00

Yeah..... just woke up in the middle of night. feeling dizzy, but good. wannna have fun a little tonight. i plan to watch a movie or anything new in hulu.com. i have been having this kind of life for quite some time now. sleeping tight during the day, and wide awake during the night. god, i mess up my biological clock a lot lately.

Unfortunately, i am not in mood either to do any work. dont know what else to do. i dont wanna do my homework, dont wanna do my research, dont wanna my readings. oh god, i am so jaded doing the same old craps all day long. day in, day out, repeat the same things.

i think these 2 kinds of habits make me, LAZY and NOCTURNAL.... yes, i am a LAZY and NOCTURNAL living being.

"If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he will find an easier way to do it." ~Hlade's Law~

Niagara Falls Trip...

2009-11-18T00:59:00.001-05:00

Last weekend, i had a trip to Niagara Falls

it was awesome and very entertaining

i cant explain the feelings i had

but i like them so much

it made me feel so right, so happy

During the trip i swung by several other places

these were the places of attraction i went:

1) 1000 Islands

2) Niagara Falls

3) Corningware

Anyway i had a nice time with my friends. you had to be there to feel it. XOXO....

Post Fluid Test...

2009-11-17T06:14:00.000-05:00

The moment of truth is now. i did my test and it was freaking hard. i had no idea at all how to tackle the questions. damn!!! so afraid to see how it will turn out. hopefully my marks are above the average. the questions were on:

1) Viscosity Thickness in a Circular Viscometer

Slept halfway thru and then blurred again, wrote what crossed my mind, didn't think twice, finished in 15 minutes- reserved time 1 hour

2) Boundary Layer in a Square Duct

Scribbled all the equations i knew which i didn't even understand, finished it in 30 minutes when i should do it in 1 hour

In conclusion, a COMBO pack of failures and headaches. but who cares i wrote almost 4 pages long answers. wishing to get some pity marks along the way. crossing my fingers... :(

Fluid Test...

2009-11-16T13:06:00.005-05:00

OMG!!! Today i have my fluid test
but i didnt prepare anything yet
that makes me feel butterflies in my stomach
every time i have tests or whatever you know that's big
the same old shit happens to me
wishing i can go back in time
wishing all the hypothetical, perfect life i may have
but that's impossible
let's face it, we are just humans
have needs, emotions, downs and ups
anyhow i still want to write it out loud
what i want to do and what i should do

this is the list of wishful thoughts that i always have
before exams/ tests:

i wish i could turn back time to make the situation better
i wish i could go back and spend more time with books
i wish i could be more disciplined in time management
i wish i could be more focused in class
i wish i could be a GENIUS!!!

believe it or not, i can control 4 out of 5 items in the list
in conclusion, i am the one who should be responsible for my own failures
to choose and decide what i want in my life
stop the finger-pointing expressions and actions
i am who i want to be

"Life is to be lived, not controlled, and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat." ~Ralph Ellison~

Turn Over a New Leaf...

2009-11-13T18:56:00.001-05:00

These are the things that i want to get rid from my hectic life:

1) falling behind schedule
[always getting finger-pointing "looks" from group mates]

2) sleeping too long and too much
[frequently got cynical "smiles" from house mates]

3) thinking everything will be alright
[all the time, turned to be unmistakably stupid and unbearably embarrassing]

4) being nice to freaking useless people
[especially to people who don't know how to appreciate good deeds]

5) being constantly in control of everything
[often made me uptight, nervous and full of anger]

Of Today...

2009-11-13T04:05:00.002-05:00

1) Morning NIST Meeting - thrown out of the windows
2) Reviewing Research Papers - never done it
3) Cooking for RACE - yes, 1st success
4) MEMS Class Meeting - sawed in half... half good.. half nothing

5 psychoactive things in my life right now!!!

2009-11-12T06:27:00.000-05:00

1) My studies... crazily packed schedules.
2) My cash... running low and always seems so.
3) My life... under an extremely high pressure.
4) My girlfriend... very needy and too demanding.
5) My research... didn't start anything yet!!!

Bienvenue, blog reader.

2009-11-12T04:16:00.004-05:00

Hello there,

Welcome all to my blog. Honestly this is not my first blog and i hope that i can stick to this one, be more serious and more disciplined with this one. In here, I'll share my thoughts and views that have been bugging my head. Feel free to share yours to the world.

Sirry