FEARS, HOPES AND PERFECTION.

As a mundane human being, I fear. So I hope in order to compensate the lack of competitiveness in me. Honestly speaking, I am also a perfectionist as most of my friends may perceive me to be.

I fear, but fear of what? I fear of everything in life that is uncertain. I may never say this out loud. But when I wake up every morning, a sudden rush of fears comes down into my guts, especially when I am already 8 months in my doctoral program and nothing is done yet. Everything is at stake. My research never seems to take off; my studies are not as good as I expected; my life is a mess. What else I can say about them.

So what do I do to make everything better? I hope. I hope that my research is getting clearer and will take off soon rather than later. I hope my studies are a continual progression of completing a big jigsaw puzzle set. I hope my life is undergoing a transitional phase of fitting into a new pattern of lifestyle. Frankly, that’s what I have doing since I can remember.

In the mean time as a perfectionist, I want my life to be as flawless as humanly possible from mistakes and uncertainties. This is actually that causes a lot of friction around me. As I march forwards, it drags me.

Till a friend of mine told me it had to stop or I would stop progressing in life. It hurt me because it was so true. I stopped taking chances, fearing that it would just bring me misfortunes. By doing so, I had been missing many potential opportunities that life had to offer.

This morning I woke up with a fresh start. And I started to hope again. I hoped that I can be a man with courage, a man with hopes. I let the universe find its own course. I let go of my perfection.

Turn Over a New Leaf

Stop thinking what inconsiderate, selfish people think and want. All they want is, bring you down into the rabbit holes, all the way down.

Start taking charge of my life as I should have been done it a long time ago.

Be mentally STRONGER!!!

Live my life to the fullest

I look to YOU

    It has been awhile I didn’t post any writing in this blog. I am so sorry for that and that’s why too I need to write this. For the last several months I have been busy with all my work as a doctoral student. I myself find it hard to cope with the situation that I put myself in. Sometimes I feel a lot of regrets for choosing the road that I am in. I make myself believe that I am so ready with to where this road is going to take me. Now I realize that I am not that ready to give what it takes.

                I cant deny much longer that this doctoral program swallow me in whole in just one gulp. I find it difficult just to remain afloat every day. I try to give all things it may take – time, attention, concentration, and beyond all, my life. But all those things don’t seem to be enough to make me good at what I am doing.

              Everyday when I woke up in the morning one question always bugged my mind; “Do I have what it takes to continue this program?” I dared not to answer the question.  Hearing the question alone in my mind made me petrified and nuts. I couldn't believe what I put myself into.

                Since I had been doing soul-searching. I lost my inner strength to keep fighting this never ending war of mental torments. Then I realized all I needed was there, around me all the time. So I looked for Him in a means that I never used to. I searched for Him each passing moment. My life… keeps falling towards the ground. I tried to grab and hold on to something but it was too late for me to recover from this slippery slope.

                     One morning while reading engineering journals for class, I found an utter peace in my mind and soul. It had been a long time inner peace found its way into my spirit. I looked out the window looking at the emerging light of dawn. I found what I had been looking for all this time. It is YOU. I look to YOU.

Kelantanese Roasted Chicken (Ayam Percik)

    Tonight was the moment my housemates and me had been waiting for a long time. i cooked Kelantanese roasted chicken aka "ayam percik". i didnt have any idea how a whole wide world could disappear in one second of guilty indulgence of food. who is the luckiest? my housemates!!! leg-crossing and leg-shaking while me sweating like hell in the kitchen. suddenly a piece of Malaysian heaven emerged in front of their eyes. who cares as long as we could have a good time together. happy to make 5 empty stomachs full. here is a piece of snapshot to share and make you guys jealous.

BON APPETIT!!!

Crossroads of Life...

     This morning i suddenly thought whether i was at a multi-branched crossroads of life or on a spiral path full obstacles. it hit me hard when i felt that i was struggling with life while i should be enjoying it. i was trying my very best just to have through my day.


    So i took a proactive step to call my friend to have a second opinion about what had been going on now. he is more like a family to me than my real family is. he always stands by me through good and bad times. i don't what happened to me without him around. 


   He brought up this matter. he really went deep into the situation. he separated the messy entanglements of problems pretty much strand by strand. i really amazed how he attacked the problems rationally and critically. he told that i was actually not at a crossroads of life but on spiral path full of obstacles. like it or not, i have to face it to solve the problems. i must weather these storms all alone if i have to. that's probably the way out. so afraid and jaded of this life.  

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile."~Albert Einstein~