My Heart starts racing again…

          Sigh! I am here to talk about the same old story about my studies. As of now, my studies are not going so well. I guess it is about the feelings of exhaustion, fed up, under pressure and burned-out.  I believe these feelings have been tormenting all grad students throughout the ages, because I have read a lot of complaints in the internet over the “suck”ness of grad studies. Lately the feelings are so overwhelmed and they start to affect my life so much in every way I can possibly imagine.

          I asked a friend of mine about my problems. Thank god, he is the same shoes I am in - doing his PhD (permanent head damage, as I like to call it). He suggested me to return to God and religion and I am doing it right now. It does help a lot; but now I am worried about different things. About what I actually did for the last 12 months since I entered the program. Is my progress substantial? Are my efforts significant? Personally, I like to believe that they are just OK. To be honest, they are utterly not. I don’t really have much of a progress lately. My performance is diminishing. Obviously if I take a diagnostic test I would probably downright FAIL.

          My recent situation is kind of unprecedented to me. I am juggling with a million issues at once.  To make the matter worse, I start confronting with my emotional struggles. Qualifying exams, textbooks, classes, research, supervisor, journals - they are just raining on me with no signs of stopping soon. My control over the matters is deteriorating. My performance is plummeting. I am physically exhausted and mentally jaded. I really need a plan, a very good schedule and stick with them. The only thing I can do right now is to hope that the situation is not getting any worse.

Copied from: http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php?f=1359

Turning your dreams to shames...

     This time I want to talk about thing that we don’t like to hear but it is happening everywhere and many people who listen to it just let that thing haunts them forever. Don’t worry. Let us put a BIG PERIOD to it. It is about people who like to turn other people’s dreams to shames. Yes, you heard me. There is a kind of people who live just to do this because their lives are just miserable and they want other people feel miserable too.

     All these years, I let this kind of people to take control of my life and me. I always play a passive role in my own life. Now, guess what? It is so over. I am taking charge. I don’t care what kind of crap you talk about, what kind of garbage you force into my mind. I am not going to accept them anymore. Sorry Mr. Miserable, you are so not welcome. So friends, let me tell you what kind of people they are. Give me some time to walk you down aisle by aisle. Listen carefully.

• Firstly, they try to be your friends and, of course, friends with benefits. At this very young state you feel you may have found the “bestest” friends in life.

• Next, they can’t help but to know your lifestyle. Not to label them but they are creative and will learn it by heart.

• Then, their greedy fingers get nosy into your life. They pretend to be your friends yet they are just your life-destroyers.

• In no time, you feel comfortable their existence around you. They make sure you feel that you need them. On the contrary, they need you in order to be parasites.

• Now, their little yet working scheme is infecting you. They ask you to do things you don’t want to do, or, things you shouldn't do.

• It is easy to deduce. Their existence is just to see whether you are strong or weak. If you are strong, you rise burning above the ashes. If you are weak, they pull you down into rabbit holes where misery and darkness are the only companions you have.

Then when you talk about dreams, hopes and aspirations to them they laugh. They mock you. They push you flat on the ground. When you get agitated and upset, they get angry at you and say you can’t take jokes. When you say “stop it”, they say you are a MORON. That is a world that you are living in right now. To dream-breakers, the world doesn’t need you.

FEARS, HOPES AND PERFECTION.

As a mundane human being, I fear. So I hope in order to compensate the lack of competitiveness in me. Honestly speaking, I am also a perfectionist as most of my friends may perceive me to be.

I fear, but fear of what? I fear of everything in life that is uncertain. I may never say this out loud. But when I wake up every morning, a sudden rush of fears comes down into my guts, especially when I am already 8 months in my doctoral program and nothing is done yet. Everything is at stake. My research never seems to take off; my studies are not as good as I expected; my life is a mess. What else I can say about them.

So what do I do to make everything better? I hope. I hope that my research is getting clearer and will take off soon rather than later. I hope my studies are a continual progression of completing a big jigsaw puzzle set. I hope my life is undergoing a transitional phase of fitting into a new pattern of lifestyle. Frankly, that’s what I have doing since I can remember.

In the mean time as a perfectionist, I want my life to be as flawless as humanly possible from mistakes and uncertainties. This is actually that causes a lot of friction around me. As I march forwards, it drags me.

Till a friend of mine told me it had to stop or I would stop progressing in life. It hurt me because it was so true. I stopped taking chances, fearing that it would just bring me misfortunes. By doing so, I had been missing many potential opportunities that life had to offer.

This morning I woke up with a fresh start. And I started to hope again. I hoped that I can be a man with courage, a man with hopes. I let the universe find its own course. I let go of my perfection.

Turn Over a New Leaf

Stop thinking what inconsiderate, selfish people think and want. All they want is, bring you down into the rabbit holes, all the way down.

Start taking charge of my life as I should have been done it a long time ago.

Be mentally STRONGER!!!

Live my life to the fullest

I look to YOU

    It has been awhile I didn’t post any writing in this blog. I am so sorry for that and that’s why too I need to write this. For the last several months I have been busy with all my work as a doctoral student. I myself find it hard to cope with the situation that I put myself in. Sometimes I feel a lot of regrets for choosing the road that I am in. I make myself believe that I am so ready with to where this road is going to take me. Now I realize that I am not that ready to give what it takes.

                I cant deny much longer that this doctoral program swallow me in whole in just one gulp. I find it difficult just to remain afloat every day. I try to give all things it may take – time, attention, concentration, and beyond all, my life. But all those things don’t seem to be enough to make me good at what I am doing.

              Everyday when I woke up in the morning one question always bugged my mind; “Do I have what it takes to continue this program?” I dared not to answer the question.  Hearing the question alone in my mind made me petrified and nuts. I couldn't believe what I put myself into.

                Since I had been doing soul-searching. I lost my inner strength to keep fighting this never ending war of mental torments. Then I realized all I needed was there, around me all the time. So I looked for Him in a means that I never used to. I searched for Him each passing moment. My life… keeps falling towards the ground. I tried to grab and hold on to something but it was too late for me to recover from this slippery slope.

                     One morning while reading engineering journals for class, I found an utter peace in my mind and soul. It had been a long time inner peace found its way into my spirit. I looked out the window looking at the emerging light of dawn. I found what I had been looking for all this time. It is YOU. I look to YOU.