As a mundane human being, I fear. So I hope in order to compensate the lack of competitiveness in me. Honestly speaking, I am also a perfectionist as most of my friends may perceive me to be.
I fear, but fear of what? I fear of everything in life that is uncertain. I may never say this out loud. But when I wake up every morning, a sudden rush of fears comes down into my guts, especially when I am already 8 months in my doctoral program and nothing is done yet. Everything is at stake. My research never seems to take off; my studies are not as good as I expected; my life is a mess. What else I can say about them.
So what do I do to make everything better? I hope. I hope that my research is getting clearer and will take off soon rather than later. I hope my studies are a continual progression of completing a big jigsaw puzzle set. I hope my life is undergoing a transitional phase of fitting into a new pattern of lifestyle. Frankly, that’s what I have doing since I can remember.
In the mean time as a perfectionist, I want my life to be as flawless as humanly possible from mistakes and uncertainties. This is actually that causes a lot of friction around me. As I march forwards, it drags me.
Till a friend of mine told me it had to stop or I would stop progressing in life. It hurt me because it was so true. I stopped taking chances, fearing that it would just bring me misfortunes. By doing so, I had been missing many potential opportunities that life had to offer.
This morning I woke up with a fresh start. And I started to hope again. I hoped that I can be a man with courage, a man with hopes. I let the universe find its own course. I let go of my perfection.
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