Assalamualaikum, readers (May the peace and mercy of Allah be upon you). This morning I talked to my friend about family, life and things other than education (since lately it has been all about education and school. I am starting to morph into the nerdiest college geek ever). To be honest, it is refreshing and entertaining to talk about something new and livelier than school. Arrgghh… I wish I can spend more time with my friends and family back home. I really miss the times when I didn’t have to worry about the future, especially my future. The times when I just needed to wake up in the morning, go to school, come back home, play with my friends in the afternoon, eat dinner with family and go to bed without any worry whatsoever. Yeah, those were the good times. As we grow older, more responsibilities are on our shoulders. Like it or not, we have to shoulder and make the best out of them.
Frankly speaking, we spend countless hours working on worldly matters and sometimes we got too carried away with life. This kind of mirage often makes us forget and less sensitive about what the most important things are. As a Muslim, I believe I should put my religion, family and education first. I am probably doing OK at school which makes me truly preoccupied to a point I don’t balance my life the way it should be. No wonder most of the times I feel something is missing in me. I need to balance daily life.
A couple of days ago, my roommate asked me, “When did you leave for school this morning?” and I simply answered him, “Probably at 8 this morning”. He stopped for awhile and I thought our conversation ended there. Then he asked again, “And you just got back now? At 10 pm?” and I answered without hesitation, “Yeah, what is the problem, dude?”Obviously, I was wrong. He stopped for awhile just now because he was astonished that I spent almost all my waking hours at school. He realized I had been spending all time I had at school doing research for the last several months. He didn’t say much after that but I knew he wanted to say more; but he couldn’t care more because it was my life he talked about. He might not realize how much the questions he asked affected me from the inside.
On that night, it was hard for me to fall asleep compared to the other nights after crazy days. I usually fell asleep in less than 5 minutes after I climbed into my bed. A lot of thoughts came across my mind. Two major matters conquered me – family and how much longer it’s going to take for me to finish school. You probably don’t get why I had a hard time about this. Let me enlighten you about my education history. I started to go to boarding schools when I was 12 years. Since then I have been spending more than 80% of my life at school educating my mind and polishing my brain. It sometimes feels extremely personal when I think about this matter, especially when I think about how much love I miss at home.
Some may consider me lucky to come this far. Some may consider me brilliant to further my studies to this level. Some may consider me strong to go to USA to pursue knowledge when I can just get it in Malaysia. Some may consider me brave to be outspoken when the stake is high. In reality inside of me, I feel sad instead of lucky, silly instead of brilliant, weak instead of strong and tired instead of brave. I am sad because I am far from home. I am silly because I cannot understand what I am feeling right now. I am weak because all I do is facing life not facing my family. I am tired because life is always crazy. Yes, I have a split personality in me. Oh God, save me from these feelings.
No comments:
Post a Comment